happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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