Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
