I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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