I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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