the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
