We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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