Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
