WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize