Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
