i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
