She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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