I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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