Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
