my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
