im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize