I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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