Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
