I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
