I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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