Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
should my penis look like a turkey
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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