My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
