Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
