I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize