Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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