he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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