this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
