Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
