found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
