I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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