If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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