Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
