So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
