My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
