theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
