I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
