I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
