just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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