are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
