my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
