dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize