So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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