my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize