I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
he laminated a picture of his dick.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Randomize
