ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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