it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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