If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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