Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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