I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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