Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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