Will you blow on my dice?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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