i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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