We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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