had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
