I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
