here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
