A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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