You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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