My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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