The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
