We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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