Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize