I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
