I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
