Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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