Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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